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3 of 3 found the following review helpful:
Opposites Chafe One Another, Lose Integrity, and Become Best Friends After Divorce Sep 19, 2007
In these days of reality television, I thought I was immune to shock. Wrong. This book about how divorces happen and how to respond to them shocked and surprised me in so many ways that I had to step back and think about what I had read before having any idea of how to review this book. This reaction occurred despite having gone through a divorce many years ago. In fact, if the personal story parts of this book had been portrayed as a novel, I would probably have complained that the book was unrealistic.
The book's format is an unusual one that I can only characterize for you as "She felt and said; He felt and said; Their Daughter felt and said; and Lessons drawn heavily from Buddhist thought." The level of candor is extraordinary. There doesn't seem to be much that happened to these three people that they won't relate to you.
What's the basic point? I would paraphrase the book's advice as being to approach marriage as a way to live with personal integrity while adapting the relationship to match the needs of the moment and the long term.
Julie Rappaport and Lee Liberman got into trouble with their marriage because they didn't know each other very well before marrying. They also didn't spend enough time discussing what kind of a marriage they wanted. Julie wanted to try her wings and Lee wanted a traditional wife. The couple also experienced sexual issues that are apparently more common than I was aware of. They both ended up feeling like they were giving away parts of their personal identities to be in the marriage, yet they loved the other person. Becoming parents was similarly haphazard, although they are both devoted parents. Unlike many people who divorce, they clearly did their best to put their daughter's interests first.
Even though Julie soon remarried, the three continued to function as a family after divorce . . . celebrating family events, taking vacations, and covering for each other. I thought this aspect of the book was potentially the most valuable for those who are considering divorce: You can divorce and still have a good relationship with your former spouse.
Where the book is weakest is as a guide for planning for marriage and building a strong marriage. While the questions are certainly good ones, they aren't nearly enough to help those who are in the throes of passion and a new marriage to think through what needs to be thought through. As I read the material about how each spouse felt like they couldn't be themselves in the marriage, I was reminded of a neighbor whose husband left her after 30 years of marriage commenting that he was tired of not being able to be himself. I suspect that complaint is fairly common. I know that my favorite compliment about my wife is that she lets me be myself.
But independent of the book's advice, it's riveting reading. I couldn't put it down.
3 of 5 found the following review helpful:
 When two people are mismatched Sep 02, 2007
This is the story of a family, but more so about two people who married and then failed to adjust to each other. They tell how they divorced and then reformed their family with their children so they could raise them without rancor.
There is a lot of self-examination about happiness and fitness of being with someone or not, in the style of the current philosophy about personal happiness. The authors allow their daughter to tell some of her story, about how she adjusted to the divorce.
But the underlying questions--could this marriage have been saved, how much adjusting did Tasha have to do to normalize a tragic situation for her (being now part of a split family) is not as well-defined. The authors make a very complete roadmap of how they thoughtfully crafted their divorce (which is amazing cooperation) and brings to mind the question; why could they not learn to get along, at least until the daughter grew up? The designation "mismatched" is interesting but begs the question--if they got this far, how come they couldn't go farther and learn to adapt?
So though couples who plan on divorcing can certainly learn a lot from "Relational Shifts" on how to avoid rancorous adjustments to splitting up a family, if you are considering divorce and you have kids, you might also read Divorce Culture which is another thoughtful book on the impact of divorce on children and society.
Relationship lessons Jun 27, 2007
Though I have not, and am much too young, to have gone through a divorce, I have found many ways to relate to this book. I was going through a breakup while reading this book and felt empowered by the beliefs and wise words of the authors. This book definately helped me believe that I could make it through and taught me many life and relationship lessons.
2 of 2 found the following review helpful:
Brave and Uplifting Jun 09, 2007
This is a story told with brave honesty and deep love. While their story is certainly unique, I would imagine most families can relate to many parts of their experience. It should give people that are going through relational shifts a sense of hope and a new perspective on the possible outcomes of these shifts. Julie, Lee and Tasha face adversity with humor and hope and are an inspiration to those who want to heal and grow with their experiences.
Excellent read May 15, 2007
This is an excellent book--recommended to me by a friend. I would definitely pass on this recommendation to anyone going through divorce, considering divorce, or dealing with the aftermath of divorce or any other 'relational shift.' This book takes a very challenging, difficult subject, divorce, and considers it in practical, easy-to-understand terms. However, the book is not just a practical consideration of divorce, it is also an in-depth, intimate portrait of a family and what the reality of going through divorce is like. That not just ONE, but ALL THREE family members' opinions are voiced in the book is what truly sets it apart from other literature on divorce; it has the added element of the human touch of a real family speaking frankly about their experience (as opposed to a book written by a pscyhologist or other "expert" that offers a colder, less real portrait). I have found this book useful in understanding my own life--and identifying the 'relational shifts' therein--and I am quite confidant that anyone can benefit from this book's insights as well.
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